But it is kinda quiet here, calm, serene in a way at the bottom of my sorrow.
Don't ask me what's wrong, there's nothing wrong and that's what's wrong.
I'm sitting here on my own not waiting to be saved or rescued but rather looking around at the place I am in in this very moment. Refusing to give in to the fight or give into giving in. Seems I'm full of little paradoxes today.
I'm not dedicated to any one thought today or process as it were but rather dedicated to not being dedicated at all and in that place there is an absolute serenity. Sincerely.
And you said "and I suspect you are too" and it made me cry and I cried from a place that is mostly hidden but you could have seen it in that moment had you seen my eyes. The window to the soul, now how cliche is that?
And I suspect you are too because you said those words to me and it made me cry.
Do you revise your playlist to match your mood or do you try to fight against what you feel and write happy posts and hide behind your humanity?
Humanity is the most beautiful thing we own and to hide it is to shove a diamond back into a pile of coals.
I am blessed with my outlets to create, to write this little drivel to everyone and no one all that the same time. I am blessed that I understand how important these things are and blessed with the knowledge that being who you are, truly who you are in every moment will take you one step closer to getting to know your own personal mysteries.
I'm consumed with all the things that I think I should know and should do and could and would have and fuck that's a lot of should and could when I can just be. I am haunted by tragedies, personal and the ones I keep on my sleeve and I have to wonder who I would have been without them? The very things that grab me by the heartstrings and pull me to the bottom of the ocean are the very things that help me to lead a productive and creative life. Another paradox.
Aren't we all?
We live within the confines of normality to our best abilities and to me this is grace. But grace is is also the ugliness we possess and the flaws of forgetting that there are two s's in possess (spell check reminded us) and even though words hold the very heavy responsibility of relaying our most important emotions we sometimes forget them and how when they are said the person we say them to holds them in their hands like find grains of sand to examine and revel in their meaning. Grammar bares no importance here thank goodness. Only the words that are said and most of the time I forget my periods and commas because I don't use them when I speak.
I had a nice conversation with a friend today that is turning into a mainstay in my life- and not so much the conversation that moved me into realizing that life is truly in the details so why do we ramble through our days without meaning or rather why do we try to "get through" for the sake of making it to another day? Life is the details. Life IS the details.
And so the details trip me up sometimes and I wont apologize for that. I used to apologize for existing but things have changed in that sense, thankfully.
At some point I might have a revelation that will bring me to understanding how i got here, again. Or there may never be one. But either way, at either place, I am always reminded of how much life means to me.
My grace for today is in the details and I guess in a way, sharing them with you or no one. Perhaps just writing for myself is more than enough.
My grace is my humanity. All the grit, pain and beauty of it all.
Payton Jett
Glass Artisan / Silversmith
Payton Jett's Handmade Lampwork Beads, Fine silver and Jewelry
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